The Sting
Have you ever experienced the visceral sting of rejection?
Rejection can be experienced on a continuum from mild irritation to gut-wrenchingly painful: 'For many of us, a late response to a text, a teasing joke, or a change in someone’s tone might feel mildly stressful or upsetting. But for some people with rejection sensitivity, those brief moments can feel deeply personal and painful' (Bugos, 2026)
Imagine these scenarios:
A close friend of yours floats the idea of going away for a weekend to celebrate a special anniversary. The following week, you suggest a date a couple of months ahead but they turn you down, explaining they are, unfortunately, already away that weekend. You are disappointed but agree to find a new date. Some weeks later, due to a casual 'slip up' when you next chat, you discover they lied about being away on the dates you had suggested. Why did they lie? Your trust has been broken and the sting feels awful. You retreat behind a wall of silence.
You have a very happy day out with a warm and effusive friend who often tells you they really couldn't do without you, treasure the time they spend with you, and wish it were possible to see more of each other. You message them soon after to offer a date to put in the diary to meet up again so you have it to look forward to. Your message is read (two blue ticks) but there is no response. You're anxious, but tell yourself they just forgot to reply and send another message a week later. Still no response. You stew on this for another couple of weeks, overthinking and feeling increasingly anxious, so finally you send one more message - 'is everything OK?'. Nothing. Words and actions do not appear to match up. The sudden sting of rejection takes your breath away. What does this mean? You withdraw and stop communicating.
You arrange to go out for a meal with a family member who means a lot to you. They sounded really enthusiastic. On the day you are to be meeting up, you get a message saying they are unwell and need to cancel. You experience a massive surge of disappointment and have the feeling that this was an excuse - the same thing happened last time you arranged to meet. Is it you? Or is this genuine? Either way, it stings. You decide not to make another suggestion to meet up in case it happens a third time, but when they pop in to see you unexpectedly, you welcome them with open arms and say nothing about how you felt.
How would you respond?
The degree to which we experience the pain of rejection can be influenced by past trauma, self-esteem issues or neurodiversity. Rejection sensitivity is 'always triggered by the perceived or real loss of approval, love, or respect.' (Dodson, 2026) and is often associated with ADHD.
Dr. J Eccles, suggests that 'social pain lights up the same neural pathways as physical pain' and can be experienced by some as being 'like a punch to the stomach'. Research indicates that the two main (internal) coping strategies are either people-pleasing or avoidance/withdrawal (Dodson, 2026) to provide protection from further hurt (ThinkADHD, 2026), but for some, may be expressed as emotional or angry outbursts (Eccles, 2026).
So what can be done about the STING?
Self-awareness is key.
Notice your reaction and what led up to it. Recognise that self-compassion is essential. If you were stung by a stinging nettle, perhaps you might soothe the pain with an antihistamine or doc leaf, so ask the question...
What would help to soothe/calm your nervous system?
Perhaps talking to a trusted person about what happened and how you are feeling
Noticing the feelings such as betrayal, distressed, hurt, disappointed and naming them - this offers validation
Journalling how it feels either with words or creatively with colour and shapes
Affirming self-talk 'even though this feels like rejection, I will be OK, I am enough, I can do hard things, it won't always feel like this'.
For those of faith, perhaps you might look up words that your God might say about you - you are precious, you are honoured, you are fearfully and wonderfully made
What might help in the longer term?
Counselling can help with working through deeper issues of trauma, exploring ways to manage neurodiverse symptoms that negatively impact life, and reasons behind people-pleasing.
If any of this resonates with you and you would like to explore further, please drop me a message below and book in for a free, no obligation, Exploratory Call. I would love to chat to you.
For more information:
Clare Bugos (2026)
Dr. Jessica Eccles (2026) - RSD
Mel Robbins - People-pleasing
Dodson (2026)
Think ADHD (2026)
Lauren Daigle - You say (2019)
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