toxic empathy

Chloe Gracey
Feb 21
3 min read

Toxic Empathy

Empathy is often described as a person’s ability to ‘step into another person's shoes’ or enter another person's world in order to view life through their eyes. It fuels connection and safety in relationship.

What then, is toxic empathy?

‘Toxic empathy is not only sharing someone else’s feelings but also affirming their choices and feelings as justified, valid and good.’ (Stuckey, 2025)

And this is where it can get complicated; people who are suffering do not always make wise behaviour choices or rational decisions; in demonstrating this kind of empathy, we may inadvertently be condoning or enabling unhealthy ways of living and poor choices, sometimes referred to as co-dependency.

For example, a person whose life has been impacted by trauma may turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism, which then leads to addiction. The empath in us will be able to rationalise how much they have suffered (this is true) and that they understand why the individual needs to cope in this way (also true) but the impact of alcoholism on that person, and all those connected to them, is likely to be negative. Our understanding and (toxic) empathy of what has led them to this point can prevent us from gently challenging them (so true) and what will the impact of that be?

Empathy can be costly.

Perhaps you begin to experience their pain as your pain. Maybe their grieving, anger or frustration becomes so entwined with your own emotions you start to carry this burden around with you – their ‘stuff’ is on your mind even when you are not with them.

You feel guilty if you are not available to them the moment they reach out for your support. You feel guilty if you are enjoying your own life when theirs is such a mess. Your own emotions, commitments or needs get side-lined as you continually put theirs first.

Before you know it, the beautiful gift of empathy is distorted into a burden of toxic empathy. We sympathise with them, not out of kindness or healthy empathy, but because we are afraid of the response we might get if we challenge them.

Only one person's needs are being met in a relationship fuelled by toxic empathy...

If this is happening, here are some possible indicators you may notice in yourself…

· Exhaustion

· Feelings of overwhelm

· Feeling drained

· Reduced capacity to empathise

· Resentment

· Physical symptoms such as headaches, heart racing, stomach upsets

· Inability to care for your own needs

· Blurry boundaries – you almost become blended with the other person, you lose sight of where you end and others begin.

· You start feeling anxious and depressed

Melissa Whittington has some interesting thoughts on how toxic empathy supports ‘enabling behaviour’ which then hurts us - see link below.

https://youtube.com/shorts/0oOFRNDz7tY?si=LhSkdXXwOpGrzS_N

Dr Elizabeth Fedrick explores more on empathy vs enabling using this venn diagram and gives examples in the short video below*:

Dr Scott Lyons** explains:

‘Toxic empathy can look loving, but actually is self-abandonment’.

He writes:

Understanding someone’s story doesn’t mean carrying their harm.

Curiosity doesn’t cancel impact.

Kindness isn’t a permission slip for your own erasure.

A lot of us learned to call self- abandonment “love”.

To stay soft while our energy quietly drained.

To translate someone else else’s behaviour instead of listening to what it was doing to us.

That’s not compassion.

That’s survival masquerading as love.

Real empathy includes you -Your body, your limits, your right to step back.

If your kindness requires you to go, numb

You’re not being loved.

You’re being left.

Tips:

Noticing and recognising that you are in this relationship dynamic is the first hurdle. Some tips that may help:

1. Practice putting physical and emotional boundaries in place

2. Gently make yourself a bit less available - explore the power in saying 'No'

3. Try to identify your own emotional needs – do you know what they are? What one thing would help? Talk to a trusted friend, write a letter not to send being very real about how you feel, get some fresh air

4. Accept that meeting your own needs is necessary, rather than selfish or unloving

Remember, healthy empathy energises both people.