‘You just don’t understand!’

Have you ever experienced frustration, annoyance or disappointment (or even distress) after confiding in a trusted person?

Maybe you felt completely misunderstood.

Somehow they just didn’t understand what you needed.

Perhaps you felt like a problem to be fixed.

It seems the old adage ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ isn’t always the case.

So let me ask you a question:

 Do you always know what you are looking for when you confide in someone?

Charles Duhigg* suggests that when we seek connection, we may be in need of one of the following:

·       To be heard - to feel listened to and understood, and to feel that the trusted person really cares

·       To be held – sometimes the closeness of another person communicates a deep care and comfort in a way that words cannot

·       To be helped – receiving practical suggestions or advice about possible ways forward when we feel stuck

In her interview with Mel Robins, Dr Dolly Chugh* expanded this by adding a fourth:

·       To be high-fived – to receive affirmation or encouragement when we doubt ourselves

Being self-aware enough to identify what we need is a great first step. 

However, the problem is that (contrary to popular belief!) however well-meaning, loving and trustworthy our chosen confidante is, they are not a mind-reader. It is true that some people seem to possess a real gift in empathy and discerning what others need, but even they will get it wrong sometimes.

So imagine how differently the scenario might play out if we were able to share what it is we need before we unburden ourselves?

Case Study:

Zac has had a bad day at work - his boss undermined him in a meeting, even though he had thoroughly prepared beforehand, and he felt belittled in front of his colleagues. Zac feels justifiably upset, full of self-doubt, needs to process what happened, and vent his feelings.

Zac meets up with a friend, Xin, after work who is full of advice along these lines:

‘You should leave that job!’

‘Report him to HR!’

'That is completely unacceptable behaviour in a meeting!'

Xin is indignant that her friend has been shamed in front of his work colleagues, and wants to defend him.

However, Zac is really upset, isn't in the right frame of mind to hear what she thinks about the situation, never mind take on board her anger as well - he just needs Xin to listen, to care, to be a calm and soothing presence.

Supposing Zac had started the conversation by being positively assertive, saying something like ‘I have had a really bad day and would like to talk to you about it. I don’t need you to fix anything, or say anything - please can you just allow me to rant and get it out of my system?

How might this change the depth of their connection? 

Xin might feel a sense of relief that she is not expected to find a solution, and can just listen. Zac may feel comforted by her presence; the time she is giving to him making him feel that he matters. He might also feel relief having released some of the pent-up anger.

•  What are your thoughts about this?

  
  

• Do you think this approach could be a help or a hindrance?

  
  

• Drop me a comment below - I would love to know what you think.

  
  

• If communicating how you feel is something you struggle with, please don't hesitate to send me an email hello@daretosoartherapy.com or head to the Next Steps tab.

Further information

*Charles Duhigg

How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

*Dr Dolly Chugh

Interview with Mel Robbins